Learning to be kinder to ourselves… Self-compassion and mental health

World Kindness Day, 13 November

We are often more understanding towards other people than we are towards ourselves. A friend experiencing a difficult period may receive our patience and reassurance, whilst we might respond to our own struggles with frustration or harsh self-criticism. We recognise that other people need time and understanding, yet find it much harder to offer ourselves the same kindness and consideration.

This difference can become particularly pronounced when someone is experiencing mental health difficulties or struggling with addiction. Feelings of shame, guilt and perceived failure can influence the way people see themselves, sometimes making it difficult to acknowledge their difficulties or accept that they need support.

With World Kindness Day approaching, it is worth considering what kindness means beyond our interactions with others. Developing a more compassionate relationship with ourselves can be an important part of maintaining psychological wellbeing, particularly when life becomes difficult. Research increasingly suggests that self-compassion is linked to how we manage difficult emotions, cope with challenging experiences and respond to setbacks.

Understanding self-criticism and shame

Self-criticism is familiar to many people, but its effects can extend well beyond occasional feelings of disappointment. For some, it becomes an established way of thinking, influencing how they interpret their experiences and judge their own worth.

These patterns can develop over many years. Early experiences, family relationships, trauma and the expectations placed upon us can all influence the way we learn to evaluate ourselves. Some people develop particularly high personal standards, believing that mistakes are unacceptable or that they should always be able to manage whatever life presents.

Although reflecting on our behaviour can help us recognise where changes are needed, persistent self-criticism can become counterproductive. Rather than helping someone move forward, it may reinforce feelings of inadequacy and make it harder to approach difficulties constructively.

Shame can make this experience particularly complicated. There is an important distinction between guilt and shame. Guilt is generally associated with something we have done, whereas shame can become a much deeper belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with us. When this happens, a person’s difficulties can become closely connected to their sense of identity, rather than being recognised as experiences that can be understood and addressed.

For someone already experiencing anxiety, depression or other mental health difficulties, this internal criticism can add another layer of distress. It can also contribute to rumination, where someone repeatedly revisits negative thoughts, perceived mistakes or past experiences without reaching a resolution. This can make it harder to gain perspective and move forward.

What does self-compassion actually mean?

Self-compassion is sometimes misunderstood as a form of self-indulgence or an attempt to avoid responsibility. In psychological terms, it is better understood as the ability to recognise our own difficulties and respond to them with understanding rather than additional judgement.

Psychologist Dr Kristin Neff has undertaken extensive research into self-compassion, identifying three interconnected elements: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.

Self-kindness involves treating ourselves with the same consideration we might offer someone else. It does not mean approving of every decision we make or dismissing the consequences of our actions. Instead, it allows us to acknowledge that we are struggling without automatically interpreting that struggle as a personal failing.

Recognising our shared humanity is also important. People can become isolated in the belief that their difficulties are unusual or that others would not understand what they are experiencing. Remembering that emotional pain, uncertainty and personal setbacks are part of the human experience can help reduce this sense of isolation.

Mindfulness provides another aspect of self-compassion. It involves recognising difficult thoughts and feelings without becoming completely absorbed by them. For someone who regularly experiences negative self-judgement, learning to recognise these thoughts as patterns of thinking, rather than unquestionable facts, can be an important step towards change.

Together, these elements encourage a more balanced relationship with ourselves, particularly during periods of emotional difficulty.

Why self-compassion matters in mental health

The relationship between self-compassion and mental health has attracted increasing attention from researchers. A systematic review published in the journal Mindfulness in 2026 examined 85 studies involving more than 26,000 participants. The research explored how self-compassion may influence the way we manage emotions, cope with difficult experiences and think about ourselves.

The findings suggest that self-compassion is associated with better psychological wellbeing and may help people develop healthier ways of responding to emotional difficulties.

One area where it may make a difference is in how we manage difficult emotions. This is sometimes described as emotional regulation, which simply means being able to recognise and manage our emotional responses rather than feeling overwhelmed by them or reacting automatically.

For someone experiencing psychological distress, this can be particularly challenging. Self-compassion may help create some distance between an emotional experience and the way we respond to it. Rather than immediately criticising ourselves for feeling anxious, upset or overwhelmed, we can begin to recognise what is happening and consider what might help.

Research also suggests that people who are more self-compassionate may be better able to learn from mistakes, reflect on their experiences and seek help when they need it. This is important because those who are highly self-critical can sometimes be reluctant to acknowledge that they are struggling, particularly if they see asking for support as a sign of weakness or failure.

Although researchers are continuing to investigate exactly how these processes work, the evidence points towards self-compassion being a useful part of psychological wellbeing, rather than simply a matter of thinking more positively.

Why self-compassion matters in addiction and mental health treatment

The relationship between self-criticism and addiction can be particularly complex. People experiencing substance dependency or behavioural addictions may carry considerable feelings of guilt and shame about their behaviour, especially where their difficulties have affected family relationships or other important areas of their lives.

They may recognise that something needs to change but feel unable to understand why they continue to struggle. Previous attempts to stop or modify their behaviour may have been unsuccessful, reinforcing the belief that they lack the strength or determination to make different choices.

Shame can also make it harder to be open about what is happening. Someone may conceal their behaviour or withdraw from people who could offer support, leaving them feeling increasingly isolated. This can make their emotional difficulties harder to manage and potentially increase their reliance on the behaviours they are trying to change.

Similar patterns can occur in mental health difficulties. Someone experiencing depression may criticise themselves for being unable to feel better, whilst a person living with anxiety might become frustrated by their own fears or worry about how others perceive them. People experiencing burnout can also struggle with self-criticism, particularly if they have built much of their identity around professional achievement and maintaining high levels of performance.

Understanding these patterns is important because the difficulties someone presents with may not tell the whole story. What appears to be a problem with behaviour or emotional regulation can sometimes be connected to deeper experiences of shame, unresolved trauma or longstanding beliefs about personal worth.

Addressing these underlying experiences can be an important part of effective treatment. It also helps explain why simply telling someone to stop a particular behaviour or think more positively is unlikely to address the full complexity of their difficulties.

Developing a more compassionate relationship with ourselves

Learning to be kinder to ourselves is not always straightforward, particularly when self-criticism has become an established way of thinking. For some people, being less critical can initially feel uncomfortable, almost as though they are making excuses or lowering their standards.

The work of Professor Paul Gilbert, who developed Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), is particularly relevant here. This therapeutic approach explores the relationship between shame, self-criticism and emotional regulation, helping people develop a more compassionate way of relating to themselves. It recognises that some individuals find it difficult to experience or accept compassion, often because of earlier experiences or established patterns of thinking.

Other therapeutic approaches, including cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), can also help people identify unhelpful thinking patterns and develop more balanced ways of interpreting their experiences.

At Ibiza Calm, understanding the individual behind their presenting difficulties is central to our approach. During the pre-admissions process, we begin to build a picture of the person’s psychological and clinical needs, their personal history and the circumstances that have brought them to us. This understanding helps our multidisciplinary team consider how different aspects of someone’s mental health and wellbeing may be connected and develop a treatment programme that reflects their individual needs.

For some people, this may involve exploring patterns of self-criticism or feelings of shame that have developed over many years. Through individual psychotherapy and other appropriate therapeutic interventions, clients can examine these experiences in a supportive environment, with guidance from experienced clinicians.

Having a consistent, supportive relationship with a therapist can also make a difference, particularly for people who have found it difficult to talk openly about their experiences. Developing self-compassion takes time, especially when someone has spent many years believing they are not good enough. Learning to approach their experiences with greater understanding can become an important part of their wider therapeutic work.

Self-compassion and personal responsibility

An important part of this discussion is recognising that self-compassion does not remove the need for personal responsibility. Understanding why we behave in certain ways does not mean that the consequences of our actions can be disregarded, particularly where addiction has affected other people.

However, there is a difference between acknowledging responsibility and continuing to punish ourselves for past behaviour. Persistent self-criticism can keep people focused on what they believe they have done wrong, rather than helping them understand what needs to change.

Research highlighted by the American Psychiatric Association suggests that self-compassion may actually support motivation and personal development. Studies have associated it with a reduced fear of failure and a greater willingness to learn from mistakes, reflect on experiences and seek help.

A more compassionate approach allows someone to recognise the impact of their actions whilst also considering the experiences and circumstances that contributed to them. This can make it easier to engage honestly with difficult aspects of their lives and begin to make different choices.

For people receiving treatment for addiction or mental health difficulties, this distinction can be particularly valuable. Self-compassion is not a substitute for professional treatment, particularly where someone is experiencing significant psychological distress or dependency. It can, however, complement therapeutic work by helping people develop a less judgemental relationship with themselves as they work through difficult experiences.

Extending the kindness we give to others

World Kindness Day provides a useful reminder of the importance of how we treat other people, but it also offers an opportunity to consider the way we treat ourselves.

For someone experiencing mental health difficulties or addiction, the internal conversation can sometimes be one of the hardest things to change. Feelings of shame and self-criticism may have developed over many years, and simply being told to think more positively is unlikely to address the underlying issues.

Developing self-compassion involves something more considered. It means being able to acknowledge difficulties without allowing them to define our entire sense of self and recognising that needing help does not make us less deserving of understanding.

Learning to offer ourselves the same patience we might naturally extend to someone else can take time, particularly when there are painful experiences that still need to be addressed. With appropriate therapeutic support, however, it is possible to develop a different relationship with ourselves, one that allows room for accountability, personal growth and healing.

Perhaps one of the most important aspects of kindness is recognising that we are also deserving of it, particularly during the times when we find it hardest to believe.

With thanks to the American Psychiatric Association and researchers Lea Shania Anthes and Aljoscha Dreisörner, whose work helped inform this article and our understanding of self-compassion and its relationship with mental health.

• Practicing Self-Compassion, American Psychiatric Association (2025).
• Self-Compassion and Mental Health: A Systematic Review and Transactional Model on Mechanisms of Change, Anthes and Dreisörner, published in Mindfulness (2026).