When love and attachment become painful

Love and connection are fundamental human needs. Most people long to feel close, chosen by, and emotionally safe with their significant other, or the people in their life. Valentine’s Day is often presented as a celebration of this, filled with images of romance – hearts and flowers, and intimacy – candlelight dinners or couples spa nights. Yet for many, this time of year can bring something quite different.

As Valentine’s Day approaches, conversations about love and connection become more visible. Everywhere you look, there are gifts to buy – cards, chocolates, roses, teddies. Rather than joy or fulfilment, this can highlight loneliness, unfulfilled expectations, or memories of past relationships. For some, it can also bring a familiar pattern of intense or consuming relationships into focus.

When attachment becomes compulsive rather than supportive, relationships may shift from sources of comfort into sources of ongoing distress. Love can begin to feel painful, destabilising, and at times even dangerous.

In these situations, the issue is not love itself, but the role it plays in managing fear, shame, and unmet needs. Patterns such as codependency and love addiction can quietly take hold, often without being recognised, shaping relationships in ways that feel confusing, exhausting, debilitating, and hard to change.When attachment becomes a coping strategy

Codependency and love addiction are often rooted in an understandable attempt to regulate emotional pain through relationships. Instead of connection being a shared and nourishing experience, it becomes a primary source of validation, identity, safety, and self-worth.

This can show up as:

• A deep fear of abandonment or rejection.
• Strong emotional dependence on a partner or potential partner.
• Difficulty tolerating distance, uncertainty or separation.
• A tendency to prioritise the relationship over personal wellbeing.
• Staying emotionally or physically invested despite harm.

In these dynamics, attachment is driven less by mutual intimacy and more by the need to soothe anxiety or avoid loneliness.

Codependency and the loss of self

Codependency is commonly described as an excessive focus on another person’s needs, emotions, opinions, or approval, often at the expense of one’s own values and boundaries. Whilst it may appear outwardly caring or loyal, internally it is often accompanied by growing resentment and emotional exhaustion.

People experiencing codependency may:

• Struggle to identify or express their own needs.
• Feel responsible for another person’s happiness or stability.
• Find it difficult to set or maintain boundaries.
• Tie their sense of worth to being needed or valued by others.

Over time, this can erode identity, leaving individuals unsure of who they are outside of the relationship.

Love addiction and emotional fixation

Love addiction differs from codependency in that it often centres on emotional fixation rather than caretaking. It may involve intense preoccupation with a specific person, or with the fantasy of being in a relationship.

Common features of love addiction include:

• Obsessive thinking about a partner or potential partner.
• Idealising relationships while minimising harm or incompatibility.
• Emotional highs followed by deep lows.
• Withdrawal-like distress when contact is reduced or lost.
• Repeated cycles of intense connection and painful endings.

Rather than being about mutual intimacy, love addiction is often driven by the need for emotional regulation and reassurance.

When love becomes painful or dangerous

In some cases, these patterns can place individuals at risk. When fear of abandonment overrides self-protection, people may tolerate emotional manipulation, neglect, or abuse. They may remain in unsafe relationships, return repeatedly to harmful dynamics, or ignore warning signs that something is wrong.

This does not reflect poor judgement or weakness. It reflects the powerful influence of attachment wounds, trauma, and unmet emotional needs. When love feels like survival, walking away can feel impossible.

Shame, secrecy and emotional distress

Shame often sits at the centre of codependency and love addiction. Many people carry an internal belief that they are too much, not enough, or fundamentally unlovable. Relationships can then become a way to temporarily escape these feelings.

Shame can lead to:

• Concealing the reality of relationships from others.
• Self-blame for repeated painful experiences.
• Reluctance to seek help or speak openly.
• Increased emotional isolation.

Without addressing shame, patterns of painful attachment are likely to continue.

The role of trauma and attachment history

Early experiences play a significant role in how people relate as adults. Inconsistent caregiving, emotional neglect, or trauma can shape expectations of closeness and safety. When early attachment was unpredictable, intensity can feel like intimacy, even when it is destabilising.

These learned patterns are adaptive responses to past environments. However, they can make healthy, balanced relationships feel unfamiliar or emotionally threatening.

Intimacy versus compulsion

An important part of healing involves learning to distinguish between intimacy and compulsive attachment.

Helpful distinctions include:

• Connection versus compulsion.
• Mutuality versus self-sacrifice.
• Emotional presence versus emotional urgency.
• Choice versus fear-driven behaviour.

Healthy intimacy supports autonomy, emotional safety, and mutual respect. Compulsive attachment is often driven by anxiety, fear, and a loss of choice.

Recovery and support

Recovery from codependency and love addiction is not about avoiding relationships or becoming emotionally closed. It is about developing a more secure relationship with oneself and learning to engage with others from a place of stability rather than fear.

Support may include:

• Therapy focused on attachment, trauma, and relational patterns.
• Learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
• Developing emotional regulation and self-soothing skills.
• Rebuilding self-worth independent of relationships.
• Experiencing safe, supportive connections over time.

For some, residential treatment offers the space and structure needed to address these patterns at depth, away from triggering environments. Others may begin recovery through outpatient therapy or support groups. What matters most is finding care that feels safe, informed and sustainable.

When love and attachment no longer need to serve as survival strategies, relationships can become places of genuine connection rather than sources of pain.

Addiction and mental health rehab clinic in Spain

At Ibiza Calm, we understand that patterns such as codependency and love addiction rarely exist in isolation. They are often connected to deeper experiences of trauma, emotional distress, or co-occurring substance use. Our residential treatment centre, based on the island of Ibiza, offers a calm and confidential setting in which these complex patterns can be explored and addressed with care.

Our highly qualified multidisciplinary team is experienced in supporting individuals with both behavioural and substance addictions, alongside anxiety, depression, trauma, and other mental health conditions. Treatment is tailored to the individual and may include a combination of evidence-based psychological therapies, individual and group work, transcranial magnetic stimulation, and equine facilitated psychotherapy. This integrated approach allows space not only to understand painful relational patterns, but to develop healthier ways of relating to oneself and others over time.

If you would like to find out more about treatment at our residential rehabilitation centre in Spain, or discuss whether our approach may be suitable for you, please contact sharon@ibizacalm.com for further information.